College

In college I got stoned to cheat on tests,
sat on stairwells and used poetry as a bulletproof vest.
I pretended to be crazy so I did not have to fit in.

In college I would get shit faced, fucked up off speed balls
and run into the woods to talk to a tree like it was the girl from home I had to leave.
I missed my high school friends and drove around drunk.

In college I climbed rooftops at night to feel strange under stars, slept all day, watched Soap Operas all evening, and made out with ugly, fat chicks while listening to “Teach Your Children Well.”
I never had the heart to tell the actors they were acting.

In college during freshman math class I laughed, shit my pants, had an irrational, rigorous nervous breakdown, took all my clothes off, and ran around the parking lot baffled by Pi.
I was forced to move into the ghetto to live with my drug addict grandmother and go to community college.

In college I fucked random one night stand drunken sorority, slut girls
then cried into their arms exclaiming how deeply I desired to kill myself.
I screamed at spaceships far away and tried out for the theater.

In college I did not know too well when I met aliens, I hallucinated thinking angels were waiting for me outside my dorm so I huddled in a fetal position in the community hall shower for two days.
My parents picked me up and asked if I was on dope.

In college I talked shit to professors, wrote nonsensical stream of consciousness poetry thinking I was Bully fucking Collins, ate a lot of meat, did a lot of drugs, and had a gun pulled on me 40’s in the ghetto by Desert Storm Army Veterans.
I stole this sexy ass girl’s panties from the laundry room and masturbated with them.

In college I would go into other dimensions by dreaming, lived on a consistent diet of weed, mushrooms, acid, peanuts, and enjoying the comedy of the entire scene.
I walked around on train tracks and made fun of God.

In college I pretended to be sick so I could drink more codeine,
thought I had AIDS and never studied.
I smashed my television on the sidewalk and played chess.

In college I drank a ton of Purple Jesus Everclear Juice,
tried to jump a train but shit myself and passed out, woke up rained on with a hard on.
I dry humped girls on the dance floor and loved it more than you can imagine.

In college I listened to Blood On The Tracks for a liquidated two straight months,
made fun of my roommate when he wrote cheesy songs for chicks he was trying to bang.
I never learned how to play guitar.

In college I wrote wildly adventurous, imaginative, bizarre, short stories that never ended about a blind guy in a wheel chair looking for his contact lens.
I never found my contact lens.

In college I sang Beatles songs on the streets with my friends, demanded a cleaner ceiling in my roommate’s brain, and watched movies in my mind.
I threw away orders from my soul.

In college I drank lots of vodka, vandalized Christmas Trees, picked fights with people who wore knives, pepper sprayed myself and fell to the floor.
I thought life was fucked and believed in war and chaos.

In college I sucked on sweet virgin Christian tits, got prostitutes to come to my dorm room, and when they refused to fuck for free I got them drunk off cheap bourbon and watched them throw up on each other.
I asked hot ass stuck up sorority bitches on dates and got shot down.

In college I purposely smelled the shit of people from the Middle East, pissed in elevators, laughed at the Chinese, and freaked out every time I saw blind students walking across campus.
I found out my friend got raped and told everybody like I was Oprah.

In college I talked about the one from home that got away all the time to any sad idiot who would listen, came home every chance I got to argue with the sky.
I stayed up for days writing poetry about my imaginary OCD’s.

In college I occupied my time inside my mind, thought about having a daughter,
and acted like Arnold Schwarzenegger on the telephone.
I fell into a pile of shit and did not get out.

In college I hid my friend’s car in the woods for three weeks as a joke then parked it by her door so she couldn’t get out of her dorm room, and pretended to agree with the cop while in handcuffs in his office when he said it wasn’t funny.
I missed my family more than I wanted to say.

In college I tasted sex while girls smoked cigarettes, broke into a girl’s room and called her ugly because I hated myself, freaked out the freaks, and asked the dirty teachers for better grades.
I jacked off in front of my roommate.

In college I met wonderful ignorant students and threw up on them, fed those dirty pigeons money, and got the shit kicked out of me in the middle of the woods.
The beauty of Mother Nature scared me to death.

In college I wore a blindfold around for fun, laid on the concrete, fell asleep on benches, and asked stupid people stupid questions just to get my kicks.
I turned off the lights and woke up three days later.

In college I never cried with my broken heart putting clothes on a clothes line, hanging around pretentious people who did not know me, looking at their scared art, and pretending to understand it.
I let a witch live under my bed for a month.

In college I started a good old fashioned fight to watch people bleed, lost my virginity to my best friend’s older sister, got a black eye, and caught rainbow trout.
I was certain I knew who I was but I never had a clue.

In college it was always three am, eating pizza and guilt sandwiches for every meal, dying with the movement of every slow day ignoring the cry for love in other people’s bullshit problems.
This pretty girl and I played with her stuffed animals together and had a better time than when we fucked.

In college I danced when no one was around, fell in love with every girl I met, smoked crack and felt guilty because of my mother, stole books and sold them back to the bookstore, played drums with plastic forks in the cafeteria pretending to be homeless.
I made all the wrong choices that turned out to be right

This track is from a collection published in 2006 called "It's Hard To Get There When You Are Already There" available on amazon.com